Growing Together

Navigating First-Time Fatherhood

Written by Alex Duval

“For the times they are a-changin’” - Bob Dylan, aka every dad’s favorite musician

We’ve officially made it to September, folks. Summer is coming to a close; sorry if I’m the one to break it to you. Before you know it, the nights will be chilly and dropped leaves will crunch underfoot. Witnessing this shift always gives me a sudden sense of melancholy. Well, now I’m thinking that melancholy is the wrong word... Sad, maybe? No, that can’t be right, either. I mean, men aren’t allowed to feel sad*, right?

*As a professional standup comedian/amateur therapy crier, let me assure you that that last part was what we in the industry call a “joke”. Feelings can be for the boys, too! Go ahead and let it out, friend; this is a safe space.

I guess the word I’ve been searching for here is reflective. This past year has been wildly reflective for me. I’ve been experiencing tons of changes, and not just in the seasons. I’m a new(ish) dad, and at the time of this writing, my child Robin is eighteen months old. This kid’s growth trajectory, especially lately, has been something to behold. It feels like every week he’s learning like eight new things. I’ve learned that watching your child grow is a lot like upgrading your smartphone. Sure this new phone is faster and more advanced, but you often catch yourself pining for your old phone; the one you were finally getting the hang of. This new phone is confusing, and you weren’t prepared to have to learn a whole new operating system... Lately, Robin’s OS seems to be updating hourly, fixing old bugs, while simultaneously creating exciting new bugs. For example, he’s now walking, which took some time to master, but now he’s pretty much running and climbing, table corners be damned! One day he’ll update to the latest version of spatial awareness, right? Right?

“Nostalgia is a toxic impulse” - John Hodgman, the original “Weird Dad”

One of the biggest transitions I’ve witnessed as a dad this year has been the return of my own autonomy. One of my major fears going into fatherhood was losing my sense of self, especially since the first year of your child’s life is completely insulated**. Everything and everyone is focused on the baby: How is he feeding? Is he achieving the proper milestones in the proper order? How are his poops today? Now that Robin is a full-on toddler, I finally feel ready and comfortable to do some of the things outside of parenting that I do just for me, such as performing standup comedy to mostly empty rooms. I’m back, baby!

**MAJOR thanks to Dad Guild for helping this dad (and countless others) feel a little less alone. They’re doing really great work, so you can excuse them for asking me to write for their blog.

Speaking of milestones, we’re currently discovering that Robin is somewhat delayed in certain things, namely speech. We’re hoping he’s just a late talker, but all we can do is wait and see. Now this is tough for me. I’m someone who has lived much of my life needing some sense of control in order to feel like the train is still on the rails. Well, I’m pretty sure my train hasn’t seen any rails in 561 days (and counting). Having a child destroys any notion that you’re in control. I’m not going to lie, that’s been really, really hard. As I’ve ruminated on these past 18 months, though, I honestly feel like I’ve transformed into a better, more patient person. Plus, thanks to years of therapy, I’ve gotten better at reframing perspectives to improve my mood/worldview. Here’s a thought experiment that I definitely didn’t pull from my own life: Let’s imagine that your kid is demanding to put on/take off their shoes SO MANY TIMES before you can leave the house. Is it frustrating? Of course it is, but let’s reframe: We’re going to be late, there’s nothing we can do about that now. Why not treat this like an opportunity to sit on the floor together and work on our new skills?

Now that I’ve been good and reflective, I’m ready to look ahead. I’m eager to watch Robin grow, learn, and thrive. I just wish I could see the world through his eyes, experiencing so many things for the first time. As we enter autumn, I’m stoked to take him to do all the basic Vermont activities: apple picking while wearing flannel, eating too many cider donuts, and exploring the pumpkin patch with a BFPSL (Baby’s First Pumpkin Spice Latte).

Looking further, what will NEXT September look like? At this point that feels like an improbable amount of time away, but I know it will arrive in an instant. By then, Robin will be an entire year older, and so will I. I just hope I’m still sitting on the floor with him, working toward our next milestone.

Find Alex on Instagram and Substack @alexcduval