ADHD, Parenting, ADHD
Written by Thomas Carlson
We are a family unit of four (five if you include our cat) and within a span of year three of us were diagnosed with ADHD. I was diagnosed at a young age, but for reasons not fully gleaned, I was not notified until this year (I am 49 when I write this, so that is a whole other blog entry for another time). I would like to share some quick observations as I watch my kids; 6 and 9, navigate their diagnoses and how I respond with my own ADHD in turn.
Both my partner and I have a background in informal science education, so we naturally embed ourselves in resources. When we started to notice our kids behaving one way or seeing how we engage negatively or positively was something we researched in books, workshops, podcasts, talking to doctors and therapists, etc. no stone was left unturned. So even before we had an official diagnosis, we were already learning some tools. Note that we were never looking for one answer or a cure but just have more knowledge in what we were up against. It turns out a lot…and although ADHD can emulate in different ways all the experts were saying pretty much the same thing. Frankly, a lot of it made sense even if a child didn’t have ADHD: Meet them at their eye level, prep them before a transition, give them a countdown, one instruction at a time, letting them know you are not angry, etc. But putting what we learned into practice is a whole other story.
Our six-year-old was diagnosed first. He was having trouble in pre-school, and it really ramped up in kindergarten with aggression and running away. We started Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) with tremendous success. PCIT is an evidence base practice of parent and child working together to strengthen their relationship. It is quite involved but high reward. At the same time, we were assessing him for Autism (he was tested inclusive). We started him on stimulants which made him even more aggressive, and the non-stimulants didn’t appear to have little effect on him. Although our doctors said you should see a change, if we did it was minor. Currently he is on fish oil, of all things, and doing…better. Still aggressive, but less impulsive about it.
Our nine-year-old was diagnosed just a few months ago This was her second assessment after we did one when she was 7 that resulted in her being just barely under the official diagnosis of ADHD. While our son exhibited loud and physical manifestations of the disorder, our daughter’s ADHD was more internal and not considered debilitating to her day to day. She is, however, easily distracted and forgets most things, but not enough to prescribe anything for her until this year. She is currently on a stimulant and similarly to her brother, it does not seem to be making much of a difference.
And me? I too am on a stimulant. It doesn’t seem to be helping me either. This is my 2nd prescribed drug after little to no effects from the first one. Anecdotally, I have stopped writing this post over a dozen times. Even while medicated, I am still just as distracted.
I wanted to take a moment to talk about where we are all at and how we got here, but the actual day to day is so much more cumbersome. We have to be constantly on as parents, and most times the air in the room must be filled with something. Meltdowns are common and the kid’s bed time routine can feel like the end of the world. It’s all so overwhelming and for me, when I feel overstimulated, I shut down. It’s hard to function as a parent when you can’t seem to stay in the room. Then there is also the shame of feeling like I let my family down or making my kids think they did something wrong when we are all managing the best we possibly can in that moment. There are a lot of repairs in our household and I find in those moments a certain calm and connection with my kids. Somehow, they know dad’s struggling too and we make amends.
Lately I have been embracing the joyous parts of ADHD and yes, there are joyous parts. My son’s brain is truly something to behold, how he asks incredible thoughtful questions and makes connections effortlessly. His reading level is exceptional and he can beat me at most board games designed for higher age groups. My daughter is flaky for the most part, but when she switches to hyper focus, the detail she puts into a simple project is awe-inspiring and she treats it with such care.
Taking these moments and understanding that at their age I didn’t have this support, not just with parents but teachers, books, support groups, etc. It warms my heart and I know they are going to be fine, because I support them to the fullest, even when it seems I don’t. In those moments, I’m working through my own things, and it is not a reflection of what they are going through.
ADHD is considered a disorder, and some cases are more debilitating than others. I have learned in this short time that it’s not about seeing the light at the end tunnel, but finding all those shiny gemstones as you navigate through the tunnel.
